The Loneliness of Leadership

From the outside, hospitality looks like the most social industry in the world- busy rooms, constant chatter, people everywhere. But for the owners, it’s often one of the loneliest jobs you can have.

Outsiders look at the hospitality industry, and they see “children” working on weekends for holiday spends and money to go out on the lash. They tend to view the industry as unprofessional - somewhere for people who can’t really do anything else to work. A massive social experiment.

This view also extends to their thoughts on hospitality ownership; “that guy’s living the dream. He’s bought a pub; he’ll just be getting lashed every night”. And whilst that may be true in part, I’ve often found that those that own pubs do have the occasional drink (or two) at the bar with their friends from outside of hospitality. So that’s what their friends see - they see their mate with a wonderful venue, free beer on tap, and can help himself to whatever he wants from behind the bar or the kitchen - it’s the dream of the 18-year-old version of themselves. They see the social side of hospitality - the side that customers are supposed to see- and they assume that this is what it’s like to own a bar.

The truth of it is that most hospitality business owners feel isolated in responsibility. Everyone relies on them. They are often surrounded by people all day, but they’re carrying problems home alone at night. The work doesn’t end - they get home, and they might have to deal with WhatsApp messages from their staff saying that they’re not going to be in in the morning, or chasing missing invoices and receipts for my team, or deal with bookings, or finish the rota for the next week. It doesn’t end, and even if you have the most loving, caring partner at home, they’re still not going to understand the position you’re in or how heavy ownership can sit on you at times.

There are a lot of stigmas surrounding mental health in hospitality, and some of you may stop reading at this point, but I’m going to carry on as I feel as though it’s such an important topic. Whilst some industries will have mental health check-ins, referrals to therapy, phone numbers to call, or people to speak to, hospitality leaders feel as though they must keep morale up even when they’re exhausted. This leads to emotional isolation which leads to burnout, decision fatigue, and short tempers (we’ve all been on the receiving end of an angry chef, and it’s not pleasant). It’s why many owners lose the love for their business and struggle with their personal lives.

I’ve worked with plenty of hospitality business owners that have been here before and they let it get to the point where their business is failing, and their marriage is on the rocks. I’ve seen the damage that pent-up stress can cause; business failure, drug and alcohol abuse, divorce, miscarriage, heart attacks (yes, plural), and hundreds of thousands of pounds worth of personally guaranteed debt leading to losing a house. You might be reading this and thinking “yeah, but these are extreme situations - it doesn’t happen to everyone”, and you’d be right - it doesn’t happen to everyone, but it happens enough to become a reoccurring theme.

Most business owners panic and stress over the thought of losing something that they’ve dreamt of, and poured their soul into, for years. But they spend so much of their energy in this perpetual state of stress that they fail to see the things that are falling apart all around them. Whilst it’s technically correct that you can “build” a new marriage (and I suppose that you could even argue that you could build a new family), I’m almost certain that even those who have never married nor been in a long-term relationship will agree with me that it’d be much easier to start a new business after failing than it would be to start a new life after failing. I’m not saying that you should “Talk to Frank” or call the Samaritans (but you should if you feel as though you’re in this position), but you do need to talk to someone.

I love my wife to bits (and if you ever read this far through what I’ve written, then please know this), and I share all of my problems, worries, and my successes with her, and as good as it is to offload and to get her perspective on things she’ll never fully understand what it’s like to be in my position. I’ve found that the best people to speak to are; the people in my Profit First Professionals network - we’re all accountants and bookkeepers, but we typically meet over Zoom (there’s some relief in pouring your problems at people who you aren’t likely to bump into on your way to Tesco), and some of my closer clients. I had a client jokingly say to me once that I’m 50% accountant and 50% agony aunt- and I suppose that it’s true in a sense. Anything they say to me (short of something illegal) must be kept in the strictest of confidence, and over the years that reciprocity has grown, we share our problems with each other.

It's odd that hospitality is all about connectivity - to your team, your community, your food, and (possibly) your coffee – but business owners are God awful at connecting with one another. They seem to have this innate fear that they can’t share with other people for fear of ridicule, conceptual theft, or for some other reason that’s unbeknownst to be (and probably to them). I’m here to tell you though, that just about every owner that we have worked with over the years is either gone through, or has gone through, the issue that’s playing on your mind right now. Each of them is wanting someone that they can speak with about their problems, but they’re all a bit too afraid to take the first step and to set something up.

I’ll be honest, I got a little bit stuck on this section, and I did have to ask the AI for “solutions to hospitality leadership loneliness”, and the suggestions that it gave me weren’t really my cup of tea:

1.        Join a hospitality network. If you’ve never been to a networking event, I don’t recommend it. It’s often full of people whose sole goal is to stroke their own ego and to try and sell you something (sorry, not sorry).

2.        Have honest conversations with staff about challenges. Yeah, no. If you’re struggling to pay the bills, the last thing you want to do is to create panic.

3.        Weekly check-in with a mentor. I don’t think I know a single owner with a mentor.

4.        Build internal “sounding boards” to avoid decision isolation. I’m not even sure what this means, and if it’s something that you’re going to pin up near the staff room then it’s either going to be ignored or get you committed.

My suggestion on this one (and possibly the only effective way of dealing with it short of bringing in a business partner- and even this may not help) is to speak directly with someone else who owns a venue. If you know someone well, then give them a call. If you don’t and you’re confident enough, pick a local venue otherwise pick something a little further afield. Drop them a quick message on Facebook (other platforms are available) and I can almost guarantee that they’re feeling the same way that you are.

A little trick here is to send a message to an owner with a smaller business - you’ll feel a little bit distanced from this compared with a larger business i.e. “I can’t say that to her, she’s got 5 sites and flying”. Once you’ve sent that first message, then send another message to someone else. The truth is that connection is still the best cure for loneliness. Grab a coffee, go for a pint, send a message, whatever works for you. Just don’t keep it all to yourself.

Hospitality is about connection; it’s time the people running it started practising what they preach.